I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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