My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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