my vag is so smooth its legendary
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
