With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
