The maid of honor just puked.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
