I accidentally burped into my bong.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
