did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
