WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This house was built for laser tag.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So much Jack, so little girl.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
