Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
