living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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