I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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