i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
