my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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