I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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