highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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