Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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