You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
