if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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