so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
