My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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