nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
