I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize