Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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