We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
