I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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