I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Did I show you my penis last night?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
