I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
