So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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