Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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