I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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