he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Randomize