Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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