rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
