smell my finger.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
