I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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