for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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