I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
