he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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