I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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