I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
