he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Dear god my vagina.
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