My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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