Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
