Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Are my feet made of real feet?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
