is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
