Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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