Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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