i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
