can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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