I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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