I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
