can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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