I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
