I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
