You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
