we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
