I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
