I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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