He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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