I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
My ATM looks so different sober.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize